Switchbacks Up The Mountain

When I’m stuck and fearful of writing the first line, when I need to punch an essay or book idea right down to the ground to get a grip on it, I drive up to a cabin I have two hours north of Los Angeles. The highway up the mountain, while a perfectly good road and well maintained, and in fact traveled by hundreds of people daily, is nevertheless dangerous; it goes from sea level to 5800 feet with some scary switchbacks. A lot of awful accidents have occurred on this road, but it’s the only way up.

My cabin, which sounds romantic in theory but isn’t, has had its own dangerous moments: rocks thrown through windows by vandals, pipes freezing and then bursting, which caused ceilings to fall in, a forest fire that stopped down the road just in time, a burglar who stole some totally useless speakers and an old computer during an evacuation for the above fire, an invasion of hungry insects one summer trying to consume the bedroom rafters, and in winter when it snows the driveway fills up with huge drifts and getting to the front door feels like you’re hiking over frozen tundra somewhere north of Canada.

Whenever I arrive up there I’m grateful that I made it, and relieved if my cabin is standing unharmed and there aren’t five foot snow drifts blocking my driveway. I bumble around for a while, light-headed from altitude, with the silence bouncing off the walls and filling me with dread.  Eventually I realize there’s nothing else up here to do but to open my folders on the table in the living room and start writing. Writing has always felt just like that road up here, scary, full of dangerous switchbacks.  Writing holds the possibility that I won’t have anything to say, not another word. That perhaps my brain is empty.

We all have our own road up the mountain, or down into the valley or in a small rickety boat over deep and dark water. Pick your metaphor. There’s no way to glide gracefully into this, especially when we’re writing about ourselves. There’s no place to hide. There’s always that loud space of emptiness and silence when you start to write, wherever you are. There’s no way to guarantee a safe journey into your story to the truth. You’re bereft of the masks and veils of fiction or the layers and inscrutability of poetry when you start writing about your life. It’s just you and your memory and experience. Naked.

So up in my cabin I put on some CDs, something loud and cheerful and raucous. If it’s cold I light a fire in the fireplace, if it’s warm I sit out on the deck and breathe in my pine trees. Then I read something that will inspire me, remind me why I’m up here without all the props of modern life, and why I want to write in the first place. And pretty soon I feel calm enough to look at my own pages. And I start writing.

                                                *

“I suffer as always from the fear of putting down the first line. It is amazing the terrors, the magics, the prayers, the straightening shyness that assails one.”  – John Steinbeck  Journal of a Novel

 (The above is an excerpt from A Year of Writing Dangerously)

 

 

 

 

.

 

Comments

[Beverly Higginson]

Barbara, if this is the opening of your book, it is stunning. I was so moved while reading it, my breath caught in my throat. Really. You paint a beautiful picture. Yours is writing to be read for inspiration. Thank you for sharing. Bev Higginson

[Barbara]

Beverly - It is the opening and a thousand thank you's for your comment. It's made my day.

[Elizabeth]

Beautiful post -- thank you for the inspiration!

[Laura Hoopes]

Barbara, your honesty is so inspiring. Don't ask me why, but knowing even you feel the winds of terror when you sit down to write is a help to me. I can't wait to get my hands on this book!
best,
Laura Hoopes

[Kathleen Guthrie]

Love it! Can't wait to read the whole book.

[Jeff Perlis]

Barbara:

Again your message landed with a great power and noise in my head. I have been on that scary road many times and trust that my writing is worth the fear of the journey. Let's visit when you next reach the top of our mountain.

[Lisa M.]

Oooh! I love the title, love the idea, and this excerpt makes me want to run away and write until my fingers drop off.

I am doing a publication dance for your proposal so we can all read the rest of the book soon. :-)

[Rossana]

Wow, it's comforting to know that even the masters go through the same momentary insecurities. Thanks for being so inspirational.

[Barbara Force]

You are so inspiring. I love the visuals and the angst that you so wonderfully convey. I can hardly wait to read the whole book!

[Nancy Minchella]

Great opening, Barbara. Friendly, honest and inspiring. Love the specific details about the cabin, which invite the reader in.
"the silence bouncing off the walls" - great line - emphasizes the dread you feel, knowing there are no distractions and you have to face an empty page all by yourself. We are with you and rooting for you and therefore, rooting for ourselves.
I know this book will be invaluable to writers, not only of memoir but any writing. I can hardly wait and I wish you the best of luck. It's going to be on my shelf for sure. Nancy

[Loren Stephens]

Beutiful and truthful in every way. I am going to print it out and post it on the door of my writing sanctuary. Looking forward to going on yet another writing journey with you. You are a true compass. Luv, L

[Maria]

Barabara, this opening has left me hungry for more!

[Denise Emanuel Clemen]

I'd read this book. Oh, the terror.

[Sharon Bray]

I love this, Barbara. More, more...

S.

[Barbara]

During this week of wondering if this book proposal will sell, your comments have encouraged me more than I can say. Thank you, each and every one of you. I'll be posting more of the book in the weeks to come.

[E.Dot]

I'll buy the book!

I'm cheap and usually pick up books at the library--but this book looks like it will be a KEEPER. Can't wait...

[Mohamed]

I'll make my opinions known on the "Blood" sereis...once we actulay, y'know, SEE it here in Toronto.BTW; Finaly saw the 'Hypaspace' interview. You did fine...At least you weren't a blithering idiot like half the people they interview on "E!"Jessica Simpson *shudder*No...I'll take your interview over any of "theirs" any day ;)

[Cesar]

世界真奇妙! Thanks for the links you added on your blog; those were great blogs related to Taiwan's hsrotiy or architecture. Also, congratualtions that you finally have time to update your blogs! Take care as well!